I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
