I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
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