foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
