this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
I mean I'm into guys with money but more into guys I'm actually attracted to
yeah i guess i'd rather he was hot than rich
wow i don't know if that qualifies as growing up but if it does i'm all in
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
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