Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
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