I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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