I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
It's not just going to appear. A lot of blood, sweat, tears, and leg work went into finding a cock that amazing!
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Randomize