Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
