Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
