My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
Randomize
