Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
Just looking for some anal play. An attempting to read atonement. The highbrow/lowbrow divide is striking.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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