So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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