Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Randomize
