i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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