in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
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