I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Randomize
