the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
I made him laugh his dick is mine
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
Randomize
