Define "chronic" masturbator.
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
wow bdsm is so cute
Randomize
