her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
