it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
Randomize
