you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
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