The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
Randomize
