I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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