is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
