Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
what day is it and did you see me today?
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Randomize
