i think my mom watched the whole time
I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
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