What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
left comments onEVRY SINGLE1of my posts n status updates.Im done dating freshmen
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
Randomize
