I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
Randomize
