my vag is so smooth its legendary
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
