Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
