WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
I am in a vortex of obligation.
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Randomize
