watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
