i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
