i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
Randomize