i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize
