Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
Randomize
