Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Randomize
