upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
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