I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
I just gift wrapped bread.
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
Randomize