Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
Randomize
