wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
Randomize
