So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
