Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
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