R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Randomize
