if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
Randomize
