Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
