i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
Randomize
