the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize