i'm sick of taking my pants off and seeing a look of disappointment on the girls face. i want her to be frigthened
this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
Welp...herpes.
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Randomize
