I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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