is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
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