We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
even through the webcam i could tell he was aiming for my face/hair
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
I had to cum in my sink.
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
Randomize
