im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
