I think my vagina is haunted
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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