I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
Randomize
