Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
