went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
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