Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
Randomize
