I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
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