my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
I'll bet she douches with gravy.
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
I've been back for one day and I've already given two bjs. Improvement from last year.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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