I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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