Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
