a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
Randomize