The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
Stereotypically, lax bros last the longest, but have huge egos that are annoying. Baseball players barely last 10mins, but are really nice. And than we have soccer players, last long and have no egos. Me and my friends have collected our findings.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
