I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
Randomize
