I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
You have all been randomly chosen to participate in a new game called: how high was I? If you have any information about this or about where my clothing items went give me a shout. Thanks an good luck.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Randomize
