oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
Randomize
