bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
What drink are we having for lunch?
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
Randomize
